money is like a beautiful woman who knows i desire her but will not let me have her because i have not learned how to play the game or something, but maybe will one day, and until then i am watching from a distance, yearning, craving, obsessing, fantasizing, wondering how to transform, what she wants, and what i must do in order to win her attention, and on some level i also understand that ownership is illusory, there is nothing to gain or lose, the beauty of life is in surrender, i am already complete, but still i feel empty inside. [rm]
FUCKING RIGHT
maybe for some reason
if i can tell people are walking to the same place i am walking to, then i will want to die. this is a problem i feel that will go on indefinitely. you can ask me for directions, okay? i will be starved for interaction even though i won't know part of what you're saying. and it will be tragically inevitable that we are going to the same place; we are the same type of people walking in the same area, and even though i won't know the right things to do to connect with you, we will actually have many of the same thought patterns and interests. overcoming 'death' as a kind of feeling i am having will be 'attainable' i think. can we be attracted to each other enough for miscommunication to be interesting? i am exceeding my ability to care about anything, i think. this feels 'worrisome' for anyone involved. can't we just walk near each other on the sidewalk without it being awkward where we are going? can you look at me a little without scowling? i feel sad that 'this is what is happening'; i think i feel like this almost all of the time. that doesn't seem 'good enough' or 'interesting enough' to be a real feeling that i am trying to describe. i don't know. i feel sorry that i ruined your walk, okay? [cb]
shoplifting from whole foods
i understand and i wish to continue having sex with no one forever. just kidding. i want to have sex with someone forever. i want to have sex with this one cashier at whole foods. i don't know her name yet. but i want to have sex with her. one of these days i will shower and put on some fancy clothes and go to whole foods under the pretense of buying things. and i will talk to her. i will look her in the eye. i will say 'i'm not sure what your name is but i want to have sex with you.' and she will look at me with a facial expression that says 'are you fucking with me' and i will look at her with a facial expression that says 'no i am not fucking with you, but fucking you is currently one of my goals' and she will know that i want to have sex with her. and she will have sex with me at some future moment. it will probably be awkward sex. have i ever had not awkward sex. i think no. cashier girl seems 'attainable' to me. i feel that me having awkward sex with her is well within the 'realm of possibility.' there is also a woman who lives down the street from me with whom i would like to have sexual relations. is that okay. i would feel a little better about life if i were getting at sex. i spend a lot of time indoors, not necessarily in my bedroom, but still. i feel 'maladjusted' or something. i want people to want to be friends with me. i want random strangers to approach me, soliciting friendship. primarily 'sexually active' females. i fear the rainforest is being destroyed. sometimes i feel ashamed of my inability to meet or exceed people's expectations. i feel sad that the amount of affection i am currently receiving from others is not equal to the amount of affection i would like to receive. today i visited the library and saw a young asian female. oh my god. i want one. i think i think about sex a lot. too much maybe. i don't know. i'm sorry. [rm]
control
i want to have the feeling of being healthy from a long diet and regular exercise. i want to have the feeling of exercising sincerely outdoors on a daily basis, the way you said runners feel when they know what to do. i don't feel motivated to learn anything beyond what i can find on google or wikipedia. there is a collection of author interviews and essays that i don't know how to handle. i feel like i am going to tell you what they say even if i don't really know. when we met you perceived yourself this way, i think. [cb]
disclosure
today is the wedding anniversary of my parents. if they had not met, i might not exist. my hands hurt. i feel very strange. i ate six cookies before and now i feel high or something. i am supposedly avoiding sugar, dairy, meat and other things because i want to be healthy. i do not feel healthy. i need help. i need to take better care of myself and seek medical attention. i need to be stronger. i am actually quite weak. i experience chronic fatigue. it is very difficult for me to travel. i am socially isolated partly because of this. i do not feel motivated to study french. i think i would prefer to have someone to practice with. i have a collection of books and movies from the library and i feel overwhelmed by all of it. i am going to apply for a passport, even if i don't know how soon i will be able to leave the country. i don't know why i am telling you all of this. i suppose it is because i want to know as much as possible about you, so my strategy is to share with you as much as possible about me. i desire you. i look at your pictures and i crave your skin. i fantasize about being near you, touching you. i think you're beautiful. i am not sure if you perceive yourself as beautiful. i have not yet learned how to love unconditionally, without expectation. i have great expectations. i would like to meet you one day. i like you a lot. i wish we had more contact. this is my attempt at establishing more contact between us. i am reaching out to you. here is my heart. [rm]
afraid at night
the actions i am taking are a result of desires mediated by certain beliefs i have in the natural world. 'if i eat i will stop feeling hungry' is something i think repeatedly while awake. at night i am afraid that my ability to reason is only a negative consequence of subconcious desires. 'beliefs are a result of the actions i am taking' is a thought i have repeatedly at night. if i eat now i will just have to eat again later when i am hungry, or something. [cb]
i feel like $100,000.00
i am high on sugar. i ate six cookies. our neighbor gave us homemade cookies for christmas, and they are in the kitchen. i resisted the urge to consume them for a few days, and today i ate some. now i feel guilty and afraid. and high. i also purchased chicken masala at the grocery store. i was craving this chicken masala frozen meal that i like and wanted to see how my body would react to it. so i bought it. but i did not purchase cookies. i am supposedly avoiding dairy, sugar, meat and probably other things too because i am afraid of negative consequences. each time i eat something that my mind wants but my body probably doesn't want, i think 'eating this now will probably increase the likelihood that i am probably going to die alone' [rm]