today is the wedding anniversary of my parents. if they had not met, i might not exist. my hands hurt. i feel very strange. i ate six cookies before and now i feel high or something. i am supposedly avoiding sugar, dairy, meat and other things because i want to be healthy. i do not feel healthy. i need help. i need to take better care of myself and seek medical attention. i need to be stronger. i am actually quite weak. i experience chronic fatigue. it is very difficult for me to travel. i am socially isolated partly because of this. i do not feel motivated to study french. i think i would prefer to have someone to practice with. i have a collection of books and movies from the library and i feel overwhelmed by all of it. i am going to apply for a passport, even if i don't know how soon i will be able to leave the country. i don't know why i am telling you all of this. i suppose it is because i want to know as much as possible about you, so my strategy is to share with you as much as possible about me. i desire you. i look at your pictures and i crave your skin. i fantasize about being near you, touching you. i think you're beautiful. i am not sure if you perceive yourself as beautiful. i have not yet learned how to love unconditionally, without expectation. i have great expectations. i would like to meet you one day. i like you a lot. i wish we had more contact. this is my attempt at establishing more contact between us. i am reaching out to you. here is my heart. [rm]